quinta-feira, 26 de julho de 2012

Weird Feelings Part One

Well I usually try to avoid writting long texts in english because the flaws start to pop up now and then, but it is trully a great way to train and test my knowledge of the second language I know, I'll try to avoid the spelling checker so if anyone finds a loose end tell me so I can learn a little more, by the way and being completly honest with you, I kinda need to write this and don't want someone to read it, so that's the real reason for me to writte in english. Weak ass, I know. Here it goes.

Everyone that walks accross your path. Chances are they teach you something. In rare cases they leave a void or a huge mark in your soul like a super hot brand leaves a mark in a bulls skin, by mistake we let them do that to us, we start to break apart all those defenses and barriers in wich we hide ourselves the next thing are deepest secrets and feelings that are spilled out and before you know it you are like BP oil spill, all over the place and uncontrolable, then it comes the fucking branding iron that you kinda walk into and push against yourself, a deep recessed fetish we must have to let someone else burn us. Is there a way to avoid that? Not really. I answer. And then a choir of voices scream yes there is, hipocrits, are you telling me no one, absolutly no one did this to you?
Of course someone did, for better or worse now you walk around with a tear in the corner of your eye for the pain you felt when that happened and that hugely monumental weirdness when you see that person again, you tremble from the inside and you feel your guts being tossed around, thats the little angry kid inside you expressing is feelings he tosses around and breaks everything on is path, then it grows inside your stomach and starts to come up, oh you can try all you want to suppress it by swalling your own saliva by then it's gonna be fucking uselless the weird feeling as taken control, you kinda stuther can't think of anything usefull to say and you stay inside the box of small talk, until you pop that stupid question that is 99.9999999999% of the time "Yes, I am really happy", oh gosh you did it, you thrown yourself in front of the bus, that's an understatement let me try again, you thrown yourself in front of a bullet train next stop 900km from where you are and that little child just punched your heart like a rotating punching ball. Now you gonna be swalling on dry, and you realise holly shit you are most certainly a sucker.
Well I know I am one so doesn't really mather, in fact won't do a difference I will keep doing the same mistake, over and over, an endless cycle, should I be blamming the universe, my parents, myself? None of the above an Croatian singer/MC sometimes chants into my ears the words "I saw the world trough new eyes, reached out and found a friend, I touched a soul and gave my whole, I'll do it all again, the little things that fill my heart I'll bring it with me when we part" and in truth I do not regret it, in truth I do, the head spins around the idea if I did something different, well let's think about it if we where a completly different person do you think that could even started, or maybe we would pass it and did not even notice what could happen, then that same choir says we would be happier, hell no, you would be more miserable, because for a week, a month, an year, you were happy, free, not wearing the heavy burden of the armor around your heart, mind and soul, and why would you want to kill the "sadness on the verge of climbing trough, don't you try and fix it why would you do that, how beatifull when sadness turns to song", thanks David, and like this getting away with the spelling errors I made, I want the choir to say I'm right! No? Ok, the weird feeling is gone, the cure is doing something that makes regret only not ever getting a reason to face this feeling, and the brand heals into a permanent red mark under your skin, into a collection of memories that are good, bad and simply stupid, and about the bullet train just ride along smile back and think maybe someday will be your turn and others happiness is as important to the universe as your own.

Adeus.. Até à proxima... Ces't Fini